i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
