I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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