if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
