i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
