i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
