I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
