I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
