those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
