I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
