i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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