my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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