I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Randomize
