I intend to get homeless drunk
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
