I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
