matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
