The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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