Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
