somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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