I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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