It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
