I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
