So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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