i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
