and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
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Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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