I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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