this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize