So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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