I hate all girls vehemently.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
