Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
