come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
