our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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