And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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