Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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