Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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