did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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