textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
