Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
