my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
