Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
