Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
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I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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