Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
