Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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