she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
