just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
