he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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