his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
