Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
