I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
PANTIES FOUND
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