I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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