my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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