you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's like iHOP with fire
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
