everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
