Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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