Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
