the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
